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“The great enemy of communication, we find, is the illusion of it.”
William H. Whyte
The psychologist Carl Rogers proposed a rule for arguments: each side speaks only after restating the other’s point to their satisfaction.
This week I used it on a friend.
I got there through how I code with AI agents. Before an agent does anything, it has to tell me its plan. I correct it, then the work starts. It’s called plan mode.
A friend and I had a disagreement.
As they started explaining and defending themselves, I asked: “So could you please restate what I said in your words to confirm understanding?”
To answer, they had to try to understand my point first. Their version showed me most of it never arrived. What I read as stubbornness was misunderstanding. Neither of us checked what the other heard.
The pediatrician Kelly Fradin once tested what a 9-year-old patient understood about her Type 1 diabetes. For years the girl went to the school nurse’s office several times a day to check her blood sugar.
One day Fradin asked her why.
“Because I’m always eating too much sugar and too many cookies.”
In Type 1 diabetes, the body stops making its own insulin. The girl believed eating sweets caused it. Her parents were upset to learn she blamed herself.
Years of checks looked like understanding until she put the reason in her words.
Before you explain or defend yourself, restate their point in your words. You’ll confirm how much you understood and they’ll feel heard.
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How could you put your next hard talk in plan mode?
